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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  September 30, 2015 9:32am-10:05am PDT

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>> larry: tonightly, fox goes after obama for his weakness against russia. but to be fair here, fox can go ( bleep ) itself. ( laughter ) i mean, to be fair. ( cheers and applause ) obama and putin also shared an awkward toast at a u.n. luncheon. things only got worse when putin illegally annexed obama's side salad. ( laughter ) not good. that was not cool. and rush limbaugh claims that nasa has been corrupted by the left. you know, he's just mad that nasa recently reported rush limbaugh is visible from space. greetings, earth lings! this is "the nightly show." captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> larry: welcome to "the nightly show." you're a great crowd. thank you verthank you very muc. thank you very much. i am larry wilmore. big news with the u.n. general assembly in new york this week. i like it when all these world leaders get together, you know, with all these strange accents mixed with awkward interactions between rogue leaders. so nothing as awkward as last week. do you remember last week when biden tried to strike up a conversation with the pope tes worst possible time. ( laughter ) horrible! "joe, my hat's up here. joe!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) not good. what i'm talking about is yesterday's sit-down between barack obama and vladimir putin, the russian president and noted beastmaster. occasion for monday's meetings was to figure out how to exwam
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isis in syria. now, unfortunately, obama and putin can't even agree on whose side to take in syria's ongoing civil war. >> president putin, who wants to increase his political power in the region is propping up dictator bashar al-assad by sending in warplanes and equipment. of course, the u.s. has been insisting assad must go for four years now. >> larry: okay, so obama wants assad gone but putin is supporting assad's regime with military equipment and all three men want to defeat isis. the saying-- the enemy of my enemy is sort of my friend, but not a close friend. not a friend who would help you move. ( laughter ) more like the work buddy you invite to your birthday dinner after two other people canceled. ( laughter ) sorry, mark, that's just how i feel. anyway, syria and isis are
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complex issues and obama and putin need to come together to try and solve them. the problem is historically they don't get along so well. for instance, here's a meeting they had in 2013. i mean... ( laughter ) they look like they just broke up on vacation and now they have to sit together on the flight home or something. ( laughter ) when you think about it, these two guys should mix perfectly, right. let's explain this in a way my audience will really understand, in alcohol terms. all right, so, let's imagine that-- all right, putin is russian. so he would be vodka, right? and obama is black, but, he's from hawaii, so kahlua. ( laughter ) and oh, forgot his mom is white, so we add a little cream here. ( laughter ) right, okay. ( bleep ). okay.
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mix that up. yeah! all right, now what we should have here normally-- there we go. oh, look at that. yeah. see? this should be a nice thrishes summit meeting, right? white russian. for when you want to get very drunk and have diarrhea. ( laughter ) ( applause ) mmm. mmm. but, but instead of the delicious, all these guys ever get is the the diarrhea. listen to how obama, like, slily throws russia under the bus when he's talking about syria. it's the beginning of their diplomatic tit for tat. >> in accordance with this logic, we should support tyrant like bashar al-assad, who drops
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barrel bombs to massacre innocent children because the alternative is surely worse. >> larry: damn, obama, that was some cold tit. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right. oooh. aaaah! okay, so obama's tit was saying vladimir putin supports a child-murdering whacko. nice tit, obama. all right. all right, putin, give me some tat. >> towppedz of militants are fighting under the banner of the so-called islamic state. its ranks include former iraqi servicemen who were thrown out into the streets after the invasion of iraq in 2003. >> larry: iraqi servicemen. he just tatted your tit, obama. they were supposed to have a lunch together and putin pulled this. >> the two offered each other this terse toast over lunch
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after putin sat down 20 minutes late. >> larry: 20 minutes late! that's a black move. ( laughter ) oh, my god. who is this putin? he just turned c.p. time into c.c.c.p. time. google it. you'll know what i'm talking about. it is so disrespectful to do that. but that's just how putin rolls, man. >> putin will go into this meeting cocky and confident. >> larry: come oputin goes through his entire life cocky and competent. this is highway he showed up to his first day of nursery school. that's a real photo. we did not doctor, that you guys. that's a real photo. sadly, both putin and obama brought that nursely school-level sophistication to these meetings. >> putin says the u.s. asked for this meeting but the white house has repeatedly called putin desperate to talk to president
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obama and says he has tried for this meeting a number of times. >> larry: what the ( bleep ). you're world leaders. i didn't call the meeting. you called for the meeting. "i did not call for the meeting. you called for the meeting." you two, why don't you get a room? actually, they did get a room. they just didn't let any media in because these are high-level diplomatic talkses so it's all speculation as to what went on. literally, nobody knows what happened in that room except for obama, putin, and their aides. but that did not stop telepathic fox news from-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) from proclaiming barack obama the decisive loser who embarrassed the united states. >> there's such a gross disparity in balance between the both of them. putin sits there and is in complete control. and unfortunately the guy we
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have sitting in the oval is way out of his league. and i hate to say that but it's so blatant, it's ridiculous. >> larry: it-- it doesn't seem like you hate to say that. it seems like your hate is reserved if for something else. >> the body language is ridiculous. like the kid about to get beat up by the school yard bully. >> fox is amazing to me. they even find so-called experts whose onlier expertise is fuelig deutschey black president bashing talking points. my final analysis is obama is a muslim kenyan socialist. thanks for having me, honey honey. you know for the network that pride itself on its unabarbed patriotism, you seem to spend a lot of energy bashing the president of the united states. fox, when you watch will forte. do you turn it off after drago
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killeds apollo creed? fantastic movie. your hatred for obama has made you fall in love with a man who is completely and outwardly anti-american. he makes no bones about it. i know you guys love the red states. i just didn't realize how red that state could really get. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) we have three chevy's here. alright. i want you to place this award on the podium next to the vehicle that you think was ranked highest in initial quality by j.d. power. hmm. can i look around at them? sure. highest ranking in initial quality. it's gotta be this one. this is it. you are wrong. really? actually it's all three. you tricked me. j.d. power ranked the chevy malibu, silverado half-ton and equinox highest in initial quality in their segments. that's impressive! i'm very surprised! i am. i'm very surprised. chevy hit three home runs.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back!
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i have to say, you all know i'm a huge space nerd. love space. something about that cold lifeless vacuum just makes me feel all warm inside. i don't know what it is. so you can imagine how excited i was about yesterday's big news. >> a major discovery today that could point to the potential for life on mars. nasa revealed a short time ago that researchers found evidence of both frozen and liquid water on the planet. >> larry: yes, yes, yes, yes! this is so awesome man. and i don't know if you guys have heard, but there is a huge possibility that they have found signs of life in these waters of mars. i think we may have some exclusive footage, actually. ( laughter ) okay, i think i've been told a lie. speaking of primitive animals seeking attention, rush limbaugh-- it's true. he has taken something as
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exciting and fun as finding water on mars and turned it into something dirty. >> they're just making up the amount of ice in the north and south poles, making up the temperatures, they're lying and making false charges and so forth. so what's to stop them from making up something that happened on mars that will help advance their left-wing agenda on this planet? >> larry: what-- you think nasa made this up? they called a press conference and made this up to further leftest agenda? i mean, every day, all do is further a rightist agenda. if they said they found karl marx's bones on mars or noam chomsky running around, then he might have a point, right. but water? you know, just stop it. just stop it, okay! ( cheers and applause ) right. for gosh sake, it's just water on mars! can't people just be excited
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about that? that's all it is. all right, one of th we found to astronauts genuinely excited about this amazing discovery. joining me to talk about their upcoming plans to visit the planet, two astronauts, alan blastoffsen and steve shuttleman. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) you know how much i love space. it's a real honor to have you both here. tell me more about this mission. >> well, i want to go to mars. there's water there. there's a good chance there's intelligent life and we want to colonize and start a whole new civilization. >> larry: wow, really, man, that sounds ambitious. just the two of you. >> we can build an unbelievable civicivilization on the backs of creatures. >> i don't know if this sounds like a good idea, guys. i can't believe nasa is funding this? >> we don't work for nasa.
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we work for the aeronautics and space administration. >> yeah, nasa. >masa. hold on, guys, this sounds like-- who's going to provide these alien creature with food, like, clothing, shelter. >> masa. okay, i see what you're saying. i told you that was a bad name. >> whatever, i just know we have got to get out of here. >> with your gambling debt and danita kicking you out, you can't get to mar fast enough. >> hey, ( bleep ) you man. you're the one wanted in three states for writing bad checks. >> larry: guys! it sound like you're only going to mars to get away from earth. wherever you go your-- >> i cannot see you, larry. the space slink on the fritz. it's been cut. >> larry: i can see you clearly. we'll be right back. ( cheers and
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( cheers and applause ). >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. "the nightly show" contributor the very funny ricky velez. and you watch her half-hour comedy special on hulu, very funny comedian michelle buteau. and he's the c.e.o. of planetary society, and his new book "unstoppable: harnessing science to change the world" is out november 10. bill nye the science guy. ( cheers and applause ) why do we have the science guy on tonight? we all know nasa made the big announcement yesterday, they discovered liquid water on mars. i am so excited about this myself but i know not everybody is. bill nye, i'll ask you first, should we give a ( bleep ) about water on mars. >> yeah! it's not just that there was water. there is every year, every martian year. super salty water. wherever we find water on earth,
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we find living things. if we were to discover something live on mars, some mars microbe, a mars crobe, it would change the world. it would. everybody will -- >> it would change the world. >> ab-so-freaking-lutely. everybody would think differently about what it means to be a living thing in the cosmos. if you went to mars and looked at these microbes, do they have d.n.a.? do you want to get freaked? would you like to get freaked? >> where are we going with this. >> three billion years ago mars get hits with an imtactor, a rock -- >> i love impactors. >> who diswnt? there are a lot of jokes we'll leave alone now, later maybe. on the web version. so the thing -- >> i have no idea what you just said. >> a joke like, "that's what she said." >> larry: got you, got you. so about the impactor.
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>> you can get mars rocks, they fall on the earth-- >> larry: okay, i got it. >> it's all good. so we find mars rocks on earth. >> larry: yes! >> because there are certain orbits, homes in orbits, except in our space there's no sound. they land on earth. it is not crazy to suggest-- it's extraordinary, but not crazy-- to suggest that life started on mars three billion years ago when it was very wet. you and i, everybody, oak trees, sea jellies, everybody is descended from martians. it is wild. and so there are two questions that everybody asks. are we alone in the universe? and more importantly, perhaps, where did we all come from? >> larry: okay, so now i ask you, do you give a ( bleep ) about all that?
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>> yes. >> larry: that's what i'm talking about! >> i'm not worried about mars! why would i be excited about mars! i'm barely excited about earth! i'm telling you-- trump is first in polls right now! i don't care about mars! are you kidding me? defeat isis. how about that? you got it, it's all yours. >> it's important to know what's going on, you know, in the universe. i'm going to say i love you. you just dr. phil'd science. i don't know what the ( bleep ) you just said. honestly, i'm kind of with you, too. americans, we don't care-- >> yes, they do. >> if it's caitlin jenner's tears, yeah, tell me all about that water on mars. >> if there's another life form, you think-- people don't even like each other here! ( laughter ) >> we should get maury povich to
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test that d.n.a. >> yes! >> larry: bill, i did not know we would have such mars hatein'. i have to say-- >> no, i'm not hate ago. >> larry: hold on-- >> put some mars science on them right now, go ahead, bill. ( cheers and applause ) >> you guys, i don't know you. do you use a mobile phone? >> yes. >> you've seen one. >> you want my number? >> no. >> aren't you married on some guy? >> i can have friends. >> larry: let's keep it on mars. let's keep it on mars. not venus and mars, just mars. >> you ever use the electric internet and the computer machines the kids all have? have you seen that? >> i've heard ordered stuff from amazon. >> that wouldn't exist without a space program. >> bill, you're space smart. >> i'm okay. >> i'm never going to go to space. >> you have to. >> i'm never going to go to mars. how long does it take to get to
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mars? >> if you punch it, seven months. >> i hate the flight to l.a. >> how do you get there? how do you get there? on an airplane. somebody figured it out -- >> ricky is actually very serious about this. >> he hates the flight to l.a. >> larry: he hates the thought of any flight that lasts over 20 minutes. >> you trust that airplanes fly. that's the result of the same science. >> did it make any difference to anybody that, let's say -- >> what are the possibilities? let me ask you this-- what are the possibilities there could actually be be like life we could relate to on mars. i don't think people are excited about microbes. >> i'll tell you something people would be excited about. >> larry: go for it. >> real people, kids who are in school today, people who are in eighth grade today are going to be astronauts on 2033-- 2039, that would be extraordinary. those people would be heroes. we're not talking about matt damon, who is required to be in
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every movie. it's all good for him. >> i heard he's hiring, so. >> he does a workman-like job. >> larry: i want to get them excited. i was excited as a kid. >> the nasa project used to be fully 10 times what it is today. used to be 4% of the u.s. budget. now it's .4%. discoveries made on mars are made with 9% of .4%. >> larry: bill, i have to sprupt-- >> it changed the world, man! it's cool. >> larry: here's the thing, by the third-- no, no, i agree. ( cheers and applause ) hold on, hold on. you have to let me say it. i agree with that. i love all this stuff. i'm excited by it. but i remember by the third moon mission people wanted to watch "i dream of jeannie." people were done by the third moon mission. how do we get this excited? how to we get that excited? >> i have a question. this is how i will get excited about mars. can you make a sex tape on mars?
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>> i think so. 40% of the gravity. >> okay. >> you would be not floating-- >> what's that? >> less than half. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: okay. >> you know what? you whan-- >> help me out here! >> larry: i think i finally get the impactor joke. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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we love, love, chocolaty, creamy, with a little something extra. mmm deliciousness. cookies or almonds. yumminess. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: another that's our show. i want to thank our panelists, ricky velez, michelle buteau, and bill nye. don't be a marlz hater! good nightly, everyone!
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[typewriter clacking] [indistinct chatter] [laughter] [man] how long are the lessons, anyway? forty-five? that's 45 too many. i like five minute lessons. [boy] you're not gonna learn anything. - [man] i'm not? - [man 2] how about 15 minutes? - [boy] yeah, 45. - [man] forty-five? what about ten? it says, "sign up now. self-defense could save your life." - [boy] sure will. - [man] it will? [woman] thank you. that was good. yeah. - who teaches tae kwon do? - mr. simmons. mr. simmons? do you like mr. simmons? is he nice? is he talented? is he good?

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